"I am fine". "Am I"?

The cellphone rang the umpteenth time,
I chose not to pick the call and let the constant rings create chaos in the otherwise calm room. The phone went silent after a while. I picked it up and scrolled the screen. Plenty of missed calls and text messages were staring right at my face as if whining "why I was acting so indifferent". The missed calls and text messages showed familiar names. Family, friends, well wishers. Everyone trying to reach out yet no one understanding the fact that all I wish is to get lost and not be found, atleast for a while.

"The number you're calling is not answering". I wonder if this inbuilt voice could read my mind and convey the message "the number you're calling doesn't wish to talk". I smirk at my thought, take a deep breath and call, reply back everyone. Few complain, few enquire, few seem worried but get assured when I give obvious excuses of "my phone being on silent mode or I being busy".

I sigh. My head feels heavy. It is bound to, enormous dark thoughts are confined in it and still I am not supposed to act indifferent for, everything is perfect and being upset or sad about anything would make the world perceive me as an ungrateful human. I can't afford to do that so I need to smile, I need to act happy, I need to talk and I need to wear this mask everyday as long as I am not in my room, where everything is calm, silent and pitch dark.

Darkness intrigues me a little at times yet I find solace midst it for, this is the only time I can unmask myself, let my vulnerable, raw thoughts out and not be judged for being sad, a little lost and hopelessly hopeless.

© Sheerin Naz.

Expectations and disappointments.

Life is a vicious circle of expectations and disappointments. And, I have been trapped in this circle for a pretty long time. I expect, I get disappointed, I vouch not to expect ever again but, this is not how life is supposed to work, it needs to screw you a little, right?.  So expectations creep yet again and voila! I find myself lying in the pool of hurt and disappointments as usual. I wonder if I will be able to break this circle and clear the mess my life has become. I look around, my eyes are searching for someone who would lift up this heavy burden of disappointments. You see, how expectations are trying to find a way to hurt me again?

Nevertheless, I have got it for once and all. The wait has been far too long and the only one who can rescue me is ME. I know, expectations and disappointments are going to stay a little while but, eventually I will get rid of it, one expectation at a time and find every single reason to celebrate life without regrets.

- © Sheerin Naz.

The never agains.

There comes a time in life when suddenly a series of "never agains" happen. The people, the places, the things we always took for granted suddenly disappear out of nowhere. And, we stand their clueless, having no idea how to deal with it, afraid of being lost and be never found again. Life has a weird way of bringing transitions when you least want it.

Spending a decade at school, becoming best of friends with a bunch of crazy folks, the never ending classes (not to forget the obnoxious teachers), the terrible exams, the classrooms that felt like home became memories even before I realised it. One fine day, I just returned and never went back. Never again, I enthusiastically sang the school antheme in my half sleepy voice (morning assembly, you know?), never again my gang of friends gathered in canteen, munching over their favourite snacks dipped in hot gossips, never again I found my teachers obnoxious (yeah, growing up), never again the last minute study boosted my confidence in exams and never again I felt so protected yet so care free. 

A little lost, a little anxious, leaving behind the people, the place that was my world, I moved forward, oblivious of the never agains that would hit me again few years down the line. Midst college, new place, new faces and a new journey I rebuilt my own little world, carved with dreams, aspirations, assignments, semesters and crazy friends yet again (lucky twice!) Growing up did show me the delusion of this world in bits and pieces yet, I chose to comfort myself with the illusions of forevers. However, the inevitable change hit me again, and I found myself trapped in the vicious circle of never agains once more. It broke my heart a little too much. The fact that my world fell apart yet again, hit me hard. As I bid adieu to everyone and smile through tears, I feel scared, deja vu I guess. I have felt this before and there would be a plethora of experiences in future that would make me feel the exact same way. 

Scared, anxious, lonely I walk towards a new journey, the roads I am going to take now will be a little more difficult than the previous ones. I will be judged, criticised, applauded and motivated at times too. I might make few acquaintances also. I say acquaintances becauses friendships get a little overrated by this time. The transitions over the years might make me mature or else I will pretend being mature (half of the people do that, don't they?) In the race of perfection, I will get trapped midst professional and personal life, seldom realising the fact that how perfect I am with my imperfections. The occasional outings with the school buddies and college friends (we promised to annoy each other forever) will bring all the emotions in "Carpe diem" and "YOLO". I will smile genuinely for a while and crave to literally seize the moment but would end up doing check-ins and uploads on Instagram and Facebook.

And, as years pass by and time keeps moving, one fine day while siping my favourite cappuccino, reading "The fault in our stars" the umpteenth time, the "never agains" will wave at me yet again. Deja vu, is it? No. Not exactly. I won't be scared this time. I will be at solace and smile as I walk towards the dead end, holding all my memories firmly, never ever to return. I will look back once just to make sure if my closed ones realise the end of my existence and smile half heartedly as they desperately try to stop me from sinking in oblivion. Never again, my cappuccino will find my taste buds, never again the pages of "The fault in our stars" will witness the touch of its favourite reader, never again my closed ones would feel my presence, never again my friends would laugh with me and never again I will have to prove the world that "I was perfectly perfect with my imperfections." Adieu!

© Sheerin Naz.

          Picture courtesy: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/07/Lifetitle.jpg

An unre-key-ted love story.

Once upon a keyboard, PASSWORD fell in love with CAPSLOCK. However, ENTER feared losing its supremacy and played the evil. It goofed up with technology and debarred password forever from connecting with Capslock. And, this is how an UNRE-KEY-TED love story was processed.

© Sheerin Naz.

Silence and solace.

Sometimes when you say "I am fine" even while you're falling apart, you desperately want people to fall for your lie. Because, not always you wish to give voice to your unprecendented thoughts, not always you crave to hear the comforting words of friends, not always you desire to get into profound conversations with your loved ones. No matter how much the world genuinely cares, it's okay to disconnect from everything and embrace the companionship of silence for a little while. It's okay to be a little lost and still not seek the way to right path.

Sometimes, silence gives you the answer which chaos never can and the path wrong taken paves avenues for journeys which you never knew you could take.

© Sheerin Naz.

Ides of March.

They say "beware the ides of March". I wonder why? Would it delay the inevitable? It certainly wouldn't. Life comes a full circle, no matter what. So, instead of being cautious about the utterly unpredictable life, enjoy while it lasts.

© Sheerin Naz.

Twinkles, stars, happiness.

I have been smiling from a while. These twinkles and stars seem to brighten up my life, for a moment. I look around, trying to find some imperfection midst this perfect ambience. For, imperfections define my dark thoughts , the darkness has been my companion since a long time. Nevertheless, today is a different day. The stars delude me into thinking everything is perfect. I am amused at the delusion of happiness these twinkles are inducing me with. The darkness is sinking in oblivion, and I find a sense of solace. Even if it's for a while, it all makes sense now. This moment, this time, the solitude, it's all mine. For a change, the broken looks beautiful and chaos looks sorted. Sigh!

© Sheerin Naz.

Twinkles!