For the love of terraces and everything dark.

As I take long, slow walks by the terrace, the sudden ushering of the wind induces my heart with warmth, which otherwise remains as cold as a chilly, December night. The soothing breeze untangles my messed up hair as if trying to fix the mess that my life has become. This terrace has been my happy place since years. Maybe not happy but, definitely a place where I find solitude and solace from the chaos of the world willing to judge me every single moment. I let them judge me, their validation doesn’t matter to me at all. I have long come out of the shell that yearned to get appreciated for all the little efforts I put in to make everything and everyone around me better. Not that I have stopped putting efforts but, yes I don’t expect anything more. So, as long as judging me makes them happy, they are free to do it all day long. Three cheers for their shallowness. I smile as I contemplate about life and everything in general. My scattered thoughts fail to find any meaning. I try too hard to fit amidst the familiar faces that look like absolute strangers to me. Oh, well, didn’t I just contradict myself? Yes, I did. That’s how I am. Complicated and full of paradoxes.

I am still walking. It’s weird how this terrace understands me so well when people around me fail to do so. It’s a place where my existence matters. It’s a place where I am not just another face in the crowd. A place where melancholy can comfortably find its place in my big brown eyes as I share stories that break my heart, one moment  at a time. The silence here is soothing. I feel like home here. I wonder how people call those four walls a home when the chaos of those walls is deafening at times, surpassing those silent screams that remain irrevocably unheard, always. I take a deep breath and observe everything around. The sky has turned crimson and the beautiful sunset is a sight to behold. I close my eyes for a while and suddenly it's pitch dark, everywhere. I realise I have kept my eyes closed a little too longer. Maybe I was lost in some parallel world where life was still happy and all sorted. I feel tired. The burden of unfathomable emotions is too heavy for my soul to carry, perhaps. I lean on the railing that surrounds the terrace. My skin touches its rusty base, making me realise how it has worn out over the years yet, has been standing tall, supporting me every time I fall or think of falling.

I smile a little more this time, a genuine one. It’s not a very happy smile but, it isn’t a sad smile either. I feel at peace as the sky illuminates with stars having a little rendezvous with the dark. The thought that light always finds its way through darkness gives me hope that I would survive all the storms that come my way, no matter what. Well, there is a reason I love being on terraces, it never lets me down. In fact, the world seems much more pretty from up here. I try looking as far as possible. The whole city is sparkling with lights. I start walking again, wondering that if at all, somewhere, someone just like me would be fighting his/her demons on a terrace while trying to find the meaning of life. I think, there are a lot of souls like me, giving up on life, every moment yet learning the art of survival and rising like a phoenix every single day. We might be a little lost, a little scared, a little messed up but, we definitely aren’t here to quit. Not today, not tomorrow, never ever!

And, for all those moments when the heart breaks a little too much or the complexities of life tears me up, I have my terrace to shed my inhibitions as I walk past my fears along those long, slow walks by the terrace, one step at a time.

© Sheerin Naz.

I wonder!

And, I wonder if by any means you knew I was breaking, one moment at a time, would you come and hold my broken pieces or just sit back and see me die, a slow death?

© Sheerin Naz.

Sunsets.

And, if at all, you ever bid me adieu, do it at the sunset. For, I will be happy in the delusion of finding you again amidst a sunset, someday. After all, sunsets give hope of a new day, new life, don't they?

Till then, I will look for you in every sunset, believing that somewhere in another corner of the world, you are doing the same.

© Sheerin Naz.

Found my omen.

As I sit in silence and see myself giving up on life and everything around, a sudden nostalgia hits me hard. Lots and lots of flashbacks come out of nowhere. I see the remniscenses of my chirpy smiles and careless laughters smiling back at me. "You were such a happy person. When did you lose yourself?" My inner voice  has a lot to ask today, I guess. Have I really lost myself? Probably yes. Maybe life happened a little too fast or the struggles surrounded me a bit too much. But, isn't life supposed to be that way? Complicated and unfair.

I smirk at the paradoxes and contradictions of my thoughts and look at the sky, the stars seem to be embracing the night completely. I wonder how the darkness of the night doesn't intrigue the stars while it illuminates the whole world. "This could be your omen". I could hear my inner voice once again. Maybe, this is what I need to do. Embrace my struggles and rise up with every fall. This very thought made me smille. Yes. This is my omen. I can't and I won't give up on life. I can't just wait for a miracle, I need to make it happen. My destination is some where close and I will figure it out as life goes.

And, yes, I haven't stopped smiling since a while. My inner voice is at peace too. Feels good, ya!

© Sheerin Naz.

C'est la vie.

I have often been told "you have changed a lot". "For all the good reasons". I add. Maybe, they don't think so. People judge real quick, don't they? They notice the change but, fail to see the years of pain I endured behind that pretty smile. They judge me for enjoying my solitude but, never held my hand when I was lonely. They smirk at my love for books and fictional characters, but were nowhere to be found when I needed company. They complain about my indifference, but had walked away when their words could actually make a difference.

It took me days, months and years to endure self-love and rise with every fall. And, you tell me I have changed? Well, I don't mind. It's okay because your validation doesn't matter anymore.

C'est la vie!

© Sheerin Naz.

It's always good to be alive.

And, there comes a day when you give up on life, but life doesn't give up on you. Be grateful to such days for, these are blessings in disguise. Years later, when you shall be busy counting your happiness, a sudden reminiscence of that vulnerable day will hit you hard and the realization that life didn't let you give up at your weakest moment will induce you with solace. 

What if life didn't give you that second chance? What if your vulnerabilty carved your way towards oblivion? Wouldn't you miss out a lot in life?

No matter how tough life might seem, cling to your hope, hold on, fight and struggle your way through out. Remember, it's always good to be alive!

© Sheerin Naz.

Heal, survive and be alive.

There is something insanely beautiful about the broken people.They could be the saddest person in the entire world yet, the melancholy fails to belittle their smile. For, damaged people know how important is to heal, survive and be alive! And, survivors are beautiful, aren't they?

© Sheerin Naz.

Just a day.

I have often heard people saying "have a good day". I wonder why is it necessary to have a good day? Why can't I have "just a day"?

There are days when I am sad, the world comes crashing down. Those days when I hold myself tight yet fail to keep my broken pieces intact. On days like this, all I wish to survive and exist for an another day, when things will fall in place and my existence will matter. Those days are definitely not good.

There are days when life just goes on. I find myself lost amidst the chaotic mess that surrounds me. On days like these, the monotonous life makes me forget my identity. Those days aren't good either.

Also, there are days when I feel like painting the town red. Happiness shines bright within my brown eyes. I get into profound conversations and reflect upon the blessings I have. I can be seen having a gala time amidst chirpy laughters and quirky smiles. Can these days be called good? No. Because, they are downright amazing!

You see, how days can be sad, normal, good, happy, amazing and horrible (feel free to add more adjectives) for different people at different moment? So, instead of stereotyping people with "have a good day", allow them to have "just a day". Let them figure out what they want their day to be. Fair enough, isn't it?

Anyway, have a good day. Oops I mean "have a day". Don't give up. Okay?

© Sheerin Naz.

Wrecked yet beautiful.

She walks around carelessly with no clue about her destination. A little lost, she fumbles at places. Her eyes narrate some long forgotten story of melancholy while she tries covering it with happiness and,  smiles in the middle of nowhere. A sad soul with an enchanting smile. Could broken look anymore beautiful? Probably not.

At times, she is found sitting amidst the sea shores. With a little ripped notebook in her hand, she seems to be having profound conversations with the sea waves. Every time the waves touch her feet and goes back, she scribbles something in those worn out pages. What could it be? Maybe, she inks about her dreams, her emotions, her desires that come out of oblivion with the ushering sea waves. The storms of life might have wrecked her but, her soul doesn't belittle her.

You know who she is?

She is the kind of girl who loves the imperfect self, owns up her mistake and proudly flaunts her scars.

She is the kind of girl who doesn't make ordinary look beautiful. For, she believes that “ordinary is beautiful”.

© Sheerin Naz.

Hold on.

Even if things are not falling in place, hold on. Sooner or later, you'll find a way out and untangle the mess your life has become. Life is an enduring journey of struggles. And, all you need to do is conquer it, one struggle at a time. Till then, hold on and don't give up on yourself. Just hang in there. You're doing fine. You certainly are.

© Sheerin Naz.

"I am fine". "Am I"?

The cellphone rang the umpteenth time,
I chose not to pick the call and let the constant rings create chaos in the otherwise calm room. The phone went silent after a while. I picked it up and scrolled the screen. Plenty of missed calls and text messages were staring right at my face as if whining "why I was acting so indifferent". The missed calls and text messages showed familiar names. Family, friends, well wishers. Everyone trying to reach out yet no one understanding the fact that all I wish is to get lost and not be found, atleast for a while.

"The number you're calling is not answering". I wonder if this inbuilt voice could read my mind and convey the message "the number you're calling doesn't wish to talk". I smirk at my thought, take a deep breath and call, reply back everyone. Few complain, few enquire, few seem worried but get assured when I give obvious excuses of "my phone being on silent mode or I being busy".

I sigh. My head feels heavy. It is bound to, enormous dark thoughts are confined in it and still I am not supposed to act indifferent for, everything is perfect and being upset or sad about anything would make the world perceive me as an ungrateful human. I can't afford to do that so I need to smile, I need to act happy, I need to talk and I need to wear this mask everyday as long as I am not in my room, where everything is calm, silent and pitch dark.

Darkness intrigues me a little at times yet I find solace midst it for, this is the only time I can unmask myself, let my vulnerable, raw thoughts out and not be judged for being sad, a little lost and hopelessly hopeless.

© Sheerin Naz.

Expectations and disappointments.

Life is a vicious circle of expectations and disappointments. And, I have been trapped in this circle for a pretty long time. I expect, I get disappointed, I vouch not to expect ever again but, this is not how life is supposed to work, it needs to screw you a little, right?.  So expectations creep yet again and voila! I find myself lying in the pool of hurt and disappointments as usual. I wonder if I will be able to break this circle and clear the mess my life has become. I look around, my eyes are searching for someone who would lift up this heavy burden of disappointments. You see, how expectations are trying to find a way to hurt me again?

Nevertheless, I have got it for once and all. The wait has been far too long and the only one who can rescue me is ME. I know, expectations and disappointments are going to stay a little while but, eventually I will get rid of it, one expectation at a time and find every single reason to celebrate life without regrets.

- © Sheerin Naz.

The never agains.

There comes a time in life when suddenly a series of "never agains" happen. The people, the places, the things we always took for granted suddenly disappear out of nowhere. And, we stand their clueless, having no idea how to deal with it, afraid of being lost and be never found again. Life has a weird way of bringing transitions when you least want it.

Spending a decade at school, becoming best of friends with a bunch of crazy folks, the never ending classes (not to forget the obnoxious teachers), the terrible exams, the classrooms that felt like home became memories even before I realised it. One fine day, I just returned and never went back. Never again, I enthusiastically sang the school antheme in my half sleepy voice (morning assembly, you know?), never again my gang of friends gathered in canteen, munching over their favourite snacks dipped in hot gossips, never again I found my teachers obnoxious (yeah, growing up), never again the last minute study boosted my confidence in exams and never again I felt so protected yet so care free. 

A little lost, a little anxious, leaving behind the people, the place that was my world, I moved forward, oblivious of the never agains that would hit me again few years down the line. Midst college, new place, new faces and a new journey I rebuilt my own little world, carved with dreams, aspirations, assignments, semesters and crazy friends yet again (lucky twice!) Growing up did show me the delusion of this world in bits and pieces yet, I chose to comfort myself with the illusions of forevers. However, the inevitable change hit me again, and I found myself trapped in the vicious circle of never agains once more. It broke my heart a little too much. The fact that my world fell apart yet again, hit me hard. As I bid adieu to everyone and smile through tears, I feel scared, deja vu I guess. I have felt this before and there would be a plethora of experiences in future that would make me feel the exact same way. 

Scared, anxious, lonely I walk towards a new journey, the roads I am going to take now will be a little more difficult than the previous ones. I will be judged, criticised, applauded and motivated at times too. I might make few acquaintances also. I say acquaintances becauses friendships get a little overrated by this time. The transitions over the years might make me mature or else I will pretend being mature (half of the people do that, don't they?) In the race of perfection, I will get trapped midst professional and personal life, seldom realising the fact that how perfect I am with my imperfections. The occasional outings with the school buddies and college friends (we promised to annoy each other forever) will bring all the emotions in "Carpe diem" and "YOLO". I will smile genuinely for a while and crave to literally seize the moment but would end up doing check-ins and uploads on Instagram and Facebook.

And, as years pass by and time keeps moving, one fine day while siping my favourite cappuccino, reading "The fault in our stars" the umpteenth time, the "never agains" will wave at me yet again. Deja vu, is it? No. Not exactly. I won't be scared this time. I will be at solace and smile as I walk towards the dead end, holding all my memories firmly, never ever to return. I will look back once just to make sure if my closed ones realise the end of my existence and smile half heartedly as they desperately try to stop me from sinking in oblivion. Never again, my cappuccino will find my taste buds, never again the pages of "The fault in our stars" will witness the touch of its favourite reader, never again my closed ones would feel my presence, never again my friends would laugh with me and never again I will have to prove the world that "I was perfectly perfect with my imperfections." Adieu!

© Sheerin Naz.

          Picture courtesy: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/07/Lifetitle.jpg

Silence and solace.

Sometimes when you say "I am fine" even while you're falling apart, you desperately want people to fall for your lie. Because, not always you wish to give voice to your unprecendented thoughts, not always you crave to hear the comforting words of friends, not always you desire to get into profound conversations with your loved ones. No matter how much the world genuinely cares, it's okay to disconnect from everything and embrace the companionship of silence for a little while. It's okay to be a little lost and still not seek the way to right path.

Sometimes, silence gives you the answer which chaos never can and the path wrong taken paves avenues for journeys which you never knew you could take.

© Sheerin Naz.

Ides of March.

They say "beware the ides of March". I wonder why? Would it delay the inevitable? It certainly wouldn't. Life comes a full circle, no matter what. So, instead of being cautious about the utterly unpredictable life, enjoy while it lasts.

© Sheerin Naz.

Things I often think about. Ordinary yet beautiful.

I am sitting here from a while. The wooden bench at the corner of the park has been my favourite since a long time. It is my happy place where I can sit for hours and calm the chaos that surrounds me all the time. The deserted bench feels like home, the silence here is amusingly soothing. I take a deep breath and look around, lots of people everywhere. Some familiar faces, some strangers. I smile when when my eyes meet theirs, they reciprocrate. A warm gesture that has been a routine from the day I started visiting here. Just a smile and that's all.
I am not that "lets talk it all" kind of person, I am more of a "lets just smile and get away with it" person. Socially awkward. That's me. I am comfortable in my silences, it lets me paint my chaos on the canvas of words. Maybe this is how I tend to survive, on words that I ink and the stories that I tell. It's late. The sun is all set to bid goodbye for a while. Time to walk away from solace and get back to the chaos of the world that is everything made up of paradoxes and contradictions. I walk away from my happy place, assuring myself of being back here tomorrow. The roads seem longer than usual. I take small steps, lost in the beauty of the nature revived by the rain the previous day. My eyes stop at a tree where the autumn leaves are falling. For a change, the broken looks beautiful. I wish the same was the case with humans too. We don't look beautiful when broken. I smirk at my dark thoughts and keep walking. The pain in my eyes is evident but, I still cling to the hope of another day. Life might not change in a day, nevertheless I will have my wooden bench to lean upon and share my comfortable silences with.

© Sheerin Naz.

Photo courtesy: https://cdn.shutterstock.com/shutterstock/videos/19468216/thumb/1.jpg

Never settle for less.

While you sit beside, sharing your life, dreams and stories with me, I try looking in your eyes to find a reassurance of my existence in your conversations. But, all I observe is a void which is going nowhere. My heart sinks, my vision gets blurred, your voice still echoing in my ears yet there seems a deafening silence all around. You seem strangely undisturbed, lost somewhere in a world where I cannot find my destination. Your presence makes me feel lonely, you are right in front of me yet I find you distant, very distant. I feel as if I am midst an oasis in a far away desert yet, my thirst remains unquenched. Slowly, my thoughts get a vision, you are still talking, unaware of the chaos within my heart. I look at you once again, not to find any assurance this time but, to break free. I hold your hand and smile. You seem clueless.

"My chaos can never find solace in a world carved solely for you". I say with a profound sadness and walk away.

I don't look back. I never will for, someday, somewhere I shall find a place I can call home, someone who can quench my soul, someone whose life, dreams and conversations will have my existence imprinted everywhere. Till then, I shall keep walking and explore life, one moment at a time.

© Sheerin Naz.

Picture source: http://kingofwallpapers.com/lonely-girl-images/lonely-girl-images-014.jpg

Scars are beautiful.

The chronicals of survival are best depicted through scars. It has profound stories of pain, tears, struggles and fights engraved deeply within us which springs up in our memories once in a while, reminding us of all the bad times, how we battled them out and our sheer courage that carved the beautiful destination of life out of a journey that seemed nothing less than a dead end.

Scars are beautiful because it shows the undying spirit of every survivor who refused to give up on life and fought till the end. 🙋☺

© Sheerin Naz.

Masks.

Even midst the crowdest of places, you will find yourself lonely, even the profoundest of conversations would not fill the hollowness of your heart. You'll be afraid, very afraid. Scared of facing yourself, scared of giving up on yourself, scared of getting detached from the world. You might be smiling from the outside but, your inner self would be broken and torn.

And someday maybe someone around you would notice the mess you've become but, your fears won't let you confess it and you would conveniently mask up your torn life by faking a "I am doing great" lie.

© Sheerin Naz.

The battle is yours.

And a day comes when you realise that your battle is solely yours. You might meet people during your quest of survival, some would guide you through your battle, some would distract you from your path, some would believe in your efforts and few would mock at your struggle. But, nobody is here to stay, people good or bad, evil or kind, angels or demons shall sink in oblivion, leaving you alone to sail through the storms of life. This is the time when you need to stay strong, keep yourself intact and fight your battle with courage. Remember, you don't need to wait for any knight in shining armor to fight for you. The battle is yours and you got to be a warrior who kicks out the hurricane and comes out as as a hero.

© Sheerin Naz.