Crazy yet happy.

They say "I am lonely".

"I am alone, not lonely". I smile and nod in disagreement

"What's the difference?" They smirk.

"When you're lonely, you crave for company while being alone is itself complete. It gives you a sense of solace.  Loneliness isn't a choice, aloneness is." I smile some more as I reflect on the profoundness of life.

"You sound crazy". They judge me.

"Crazy yet happy, ever felt that?" Sarcasm works for me at times.

I see them walk away. Not their fault though. They have wore masks all their lives. I wish someday they realise that being normal or crazy doesn't guarantee happiness, being yourself does.

© Sheerin Naz.

Why I write?

You ask me, “Why I love writing?”
And, I wonder how cannot one love writing!

Writing can do what people cannot. It lets you travel the world far away from the chaos of your life. The world where you can keep your worries aside, forget yourself and be someone you always wished to be.

When you look around and feel a strange kind of unfamiliarity midst familiar faces. When the world comes crashing down but, all you do is smile, smile and smile some more with eyes full of melancholy. Remember that feeling? I know how it feels. I know it all.

So, when life feels like a mess and my voice gets choked behind the enormous burden of emotions, I write. For, when no one understands me, my words do.

By now, you might have perceived me as someone who is a sadist. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. There's a line inked by Lang Leave which reads “Not all writers are sad but, all sad people write”. I can't agree more. It's not that happy people don't write. They write and they write so well. However, sad people have a weird kind of solace in the words they ink. They turn melancholy into a muse and convert their scars into prose and poetries. Isn't that beautiful? It certainly is.

Still wondering why I love writing?

Well, I hope you got your answer.

© Sheerin Naz.

"I am fine". "Am I"?

The cellphone rang the umpteenth time,
I chose not to pick the call and let the constant rings create chaos in the otherwise calm room. The phone went silent after a while. I picked it up and scrolled the screen. Plenty of missed calls and text messages were staring right at my face as if whining "why I was acting so indifferent". The missed calls and text messages showed familiar names. Family, friends, well wishers. Everyone trying to reach out yet no one understanding the fact that all I wish is to get lost and not be found, atleast for a while.

"The number you're calling is not answering". I wonder if this inbuilt voice could read my mind and convey the message "the number you're calling doesn't wish to talk". I smirk at my thought, take a deep breath and call, reply back everyone. Few complain, few enquire, few seem worried but get assured when I give obvious excuses of "my phone being on silent mode or I being busy".

I sigh. My head feels heavy. It is bound to, enormous dark thoughts are confined in it and still I am not supposed to act indifferent for, everything is perfect and being upset or sad about anything would make the world perceive me as an ungrateful human. I can't afford to do that so I need to smile, I need to act happy, I need to talk and I need to wear this mask everyday as long as I am not in my room, where everything is calm, silent and pitch dark.

Darkness intrigues me a little at times yet I find solace midst it for, this is the only time I can unmask myself, let my vulnerable, raw thoughts out and not be judged for being sad, a little lost and hopelessly hopeless.

© Sheerin Naz.

The never agains.

There comes a time in life when suddenly a series of "never agains" happen. The people, the places, the things we always took for granted suddenly disappear out of nowhere. And, we stand their clueless, having no idea how to deal with it, afraid of being lost and be never found again. Life has a weird way of bringing transitions when you least want it.

Spending a decade at school, becoming best of friends with a bunch of crazy folks, the never ending classes (not to forget the obnoxious teachers), the terrible exams, the classrooms that felt like home became memories even before I realised it. One fine day, I just returned and never went back. Never again, I enthusiastically sang the school antheme in my half sleepy voice (morning assembly, you know?), never again my gang of friends gathered in canteen, munching over their favourite snacks dipped in hot gossips, never again I found my teachers obnoxious (yeah, growing up), never again the last minute study boosted my confidence in exams and never again I felt so protected yet so care free. 

A little lost, a little anxious, leaving behind the people, the place that was my world, I moved forward, oblivious of the never agains that would hit me again few years down the line. Midst college, new place, new faces and a new journey I rebuilt my own little world, carved with dreams, aspirations, assignments, semesters and crazy friends yet again (lucky twice!) Growing up did show me the delusion of this world in bits and pieces yet, I chose to comfort myself with the illusions of forevers. However, the inevitable change hit me again, and I found myself trapped in the vicious circle of never agains once more. It broke my heart a little too much. The fact that my world fell apart yet again, hit me hard. As I bid adieu to everyone and smile through tears, I feel scared, deja vu I guess. I have felt this before and there would be a plethora of experiences in future that would make me feel the exact same way. 

Scared, anxious, lonely I walk towards a new journey, the roads I am going to take now will be a little more difficult than the previous ones. I will be judged, criticised, applauded and motivated at times too. I might make few acquaintances also. I say acquaintances becauses friendships get a little overrated by this time. The transitions over the years might make me mature or else I will pretend being mature (half of the people do that, don't they?) In the race of perfection, I will get trapped midst professional and personal life, seldom realising the fact that how perfect I am with my imperfections. The occasional outings with the school buddies and college friends (we promised to annoy each other forever) will bring all the emotions in "Carpe diem" and "YOLO". I will smile genuinely for a while and crave to literally seize the moment but would end up doing check-ins and uploads on Instagram and Facebook.

And, as years pass by and time keeps moving, one fine day while siping my favourite cappuccino, reading "The fault in our stars" the umpteenth time, the "never agains" will wave at me yet again. Deja vu, is it? No. Not exactly. I won't be scared this time. I will be at solace and smile as I walk towards the dead end, holding all my memories firmly, never ever to return. I will look back once just to make sure if my closed ones realise the end of my existence and smile half heartedly as they desperately try to stop me from sinking in oblivion. Never again, my cappuccino will find my taste buds, never again the pages of "The fault in our stars" will witness the touch of its favourite reader, never again my closed ones would feel my presence, never again my friends would laugh with me and never again I will have to prove the world that "I was perfectly perfect with my imperfections." Adieu!

© Sheerin Naz.

          Picture courtesy: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/07/Lifetitle.jpg

Silence and solace.

Sometimes when you say "I am fine" even while you're falling apart, you desperately want people to fall for your lie. Because, not always you wish to give voice to your unprecendented thoughts, not always you crave to hear the comforting words of friends, not always you desire to get into profound conversations with your loved ones. No matter how much the world genuinely cares, it's okay to disconnect from everything and embrace the companionship of silence for a little while. It's okay to be a little lost and still not seek the way to right path.

Sometimes, silence gives you the answer which chaos never can and the path wrong taken paves avenues for journeys which you never knew you could take.

© Sheerin Naz.

Things I often think about. Ordinary yet beautiful.

I am sitting here from a while. The wooden bench at the corner of the park has been my favourite since a long time. It is my happy place where I can sit for hours and calm the chaos that surrounds me all the time. The deserted bench feels like home, the silence here is amusingly soothing. I take a deep breath and look around, lots of people everywhere. Some familiar faces, some strangers. I smile when when my eyes meet theirs, they reciprocrate. A warm gesture that has been a routine from the day I started visiting here. Just a smile and that's all.
I am not that "lets talk it all" kind of person, I am more of a "lets just smile and get away with it" person. Socially awkward. That's me. I am comfortable in my silences, it lets me paint my chaos on the canvas of words. Maybe this is how I tend to survive, on words that I ink and the stories that I tell. It's late. The sun is all set to bid goodbye for a while. Time to walk away from solace and get back to the chaos of the world that is everything made up of paradoxes and contradictions. I walk away from my happy place, assuring myself of being back here tomorrow. The roads seem longer than usual. I take small steps, lost in the beauty of the nature revived by the rain the previous day. My eyes stop at a tree where the autumn leaves are falling. For a change, the broken looks beautiful. I wish the same was the case with humans too. We don't look beautiful when broken. I smirk at my dark thoughts and keep walking. The pain in my eyes is evident but, I still cling to the hope of another day. Life might not change in a day, nevertheless I will have my wooden bench to lean upon and share my comfortable silences with.

© Sheerin Naz.

Photo courtesy: https://cdn.shutterstock.com/shutterstock/videos/19468216/thumb/1.jpg

High on dark thoughts.

I sit quietly in the corner of my room, analysing anything and everything. It's in the middle of such dark nights when I wish to confront my demons. I try talking but, my voice gets choked up. Maybe the burden of emotions is too heavy to be voiced out. I divert my mind and stare at the intricate details of my wall. Shades of pink, everywhere. The lights illuminate the pink walls, making it all bright and beautiful. I wonder if it could reflect some brightness in my life too. I sigh and look at the wall clock. The constant ticking of the clock in the dead silence scares me. Time is sinking with each second and I am still in the middle of nowhere. I try keeping calm but, fail hopelessly at not succumbing to my vulnerabilities.

My smile denies to mask my pain. Loneliness grips me hard which I always try covering up with a tag of solitude. The delusion of happiness helps me cope up during day. However, nights have a different story. Away from the chaos of the world, my mind gets trapped in its own dark thoughts. I wish to escape yet I see nothing but, dead ends everywhere. I have been dying, one moment at a time yet I hope I find my existence, someday soon enough.

© Sheerin Naz.

Photo courtesy: https://aurynhadleydotcom.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/asjl0uigor.jpg?w=863

Okay!

At times, it's fine just to be okay. No happiness, no sadness, just a simple okay because being okay is peaceful. When I am okay, I am at solace. Okay spares me from the unnecessary chaos of "why are you happy?" or "what makes you sad?" questions.

Neither I am a happy person nor I happen to be a sadist, I am an "okay" person who is trying to be at peace with everything.

I have been okay from a while and this is working perfectly fine with me. Being okay makes my life kind of sorted.

Okay? Okay! :)

© Sheerin Naz.