"I am fine". "Am I"?

The cellphone rang the umpteenth time,
I chose not to pick the call and let the constant rings create chaos in the otherwise calm room. The phone went silent after a while. I picked it up and scrolled the screen. Plenty of missed calls and text messages were staring right at my face as if whining "why I was acting so indifferent". The missed calls and text messages showed familiar names. Family, friends, well wishers. Everyone trying to reach out yet no one understanding the fact that all I wish is to get lost and not be found, atleast for a while.

"The number you're calling is not answering". I wonder if this inbuilt voice could read my mind and convey the message "the number you're calling doesn't wish to talk". I smirk at my thought, take a deep breath and call, reply back everyone. Few complain, few enquire, few seem worried but get assured when I give obvious excuses of "my phone being on silent mode or I being busy".

I sigh. My head feels heavy. It is bound to, enormous dark thoughts are confined in it and still I am not supposed to act indifferent for, everything is perfect and being upset or sad about anything would make the world perceive me as an ungrateful human. I can't afford to do that so I need to smile, I need to act happy, I need to talk and I need to wear this mask everyday as long as I am not in my room, where everything is calm, silent and pitch dark.

Darkness intrigues me a little at times yet I find solace midst it for, this is the only time I can unmask myself, let my vulnerable, raw thoughts out and not be judged for being sad, a little lost and hopelessly hopeless.

© Sheerin Naz.